We know it’s good to forgive, commanded even. But how exactly does one go about forgiving? There’s no “forgive” button you can push, and then say “there, now I have forgiven,” or a checkbox we can check, to say “now it is done.” It’s easy to say the words, to go through the motions, but true forgiveness is more, and it’s harder than that. So what is it then? I don’t claim to have an answer, but here are some of my thoughts.

Forgiveness is more about ourselves then it is about the other person. In fact, it is completely independent of everyone else. Forgiveness is about getting ourselves out of a state that is harmful to ourselves and indirectly harmful to others. That’s the whole point–that we maintain a healthy state internally for ourselves despite what anyone does externally.

In the 25^th chapter of First Samuel, David is out to take revenge on Nabal, who had refused to pay David what he was owed. Nabal’s wife, Abigail, intercepts David and his men, bows herself to the ground, and says “Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid” (1 Samuel 25:24). She then says “I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid” (1 Samuel 25:28). Why does she ask for forgiveness; she did nothing wrong. She had taken upon herself Nabal’s sin (sound familiar?)–but is David forgiving Abigail then the same as David forgiving Nabal? Does forgiveness work like that? It does if forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the forgivee. David seems to recognize this: “And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me: And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand” (1 Samuel 25:32-33).

David had almost avenged himself with his own hand. Another element of forgiveness is leaving vengeance with the Lord. He has claimed it, and asked us not to: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19). Or as it is written in the New International Version: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19, NIV). Only God has complete understanding surrounding the circumstances of all events, which is necessary to calculate the demands of justice. God too, I believe, is unique in his ability to execute justice without becoming soured and poisoned from the experience. Someone who receives some sick glee in extracting punishment is walking away from compassion, not towards it. Christ is he one I would truly believe were he to say “this hurts me more than it hurts you.”

To forgive a debt is to relieve the indebted of obligation to pay, to willfully forgo that which is rightfully owed you. Forgiveness in a broader sense is to say “If it ever was so that I was owed anything by thee, even if I could through justice expect some recompense or suffering on thine part, I require these things no longer.” Note the if‘s in there… that’s admitting that we don’t know everything and why justice (and vengeance) is better left to the Lord.

Oftentimes when inconvenienced or offended, there is an impulse to express the displeasure experienced, preferably to the person giving offense. Shouldn’t they be made aware of the grief they’re causing us? This usually doesn’t help, however, and only serves to perpetuate negativity. Part of forgiveness is letting go of our instinctive retaliatory reactions, or at least bottling them and keeping them to ourselves rather than passing them on.

President Faust passes along this to help us: “Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization, has provided an excellent definition of forgiveness as it applies to human relationships: ‘Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves’ (With Suzanne Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life (1990), 19 quoted in James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” Ensign, May 2007, 67–69).

So that’s great. We know where we want to be, and we’ve been convinced that we need to be there (D&C 64:9-10). Lessons like “Forgiving Others with All Our Hearts” from Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball do an excellent job of teaching the importance of forgiveness, but seem to speak little of the mechanics. (Maybe it’s just natural and clear for everyone else?)

I wonder if forgiving isn’t like finding faith. At first glance it seems not possible, contradictory even. “Show me, then I will believe” is a common approach; “apologize and make amends, then I may forgive” is in the same line of thought. Yet we believe that both faith and forgiveness are possible.

Alma teaches “Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves — It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me” (Alma 32:28).

Compare forgiveness to a seed. It starts with a desire, and may take time to germinate. As the process begins we recognize it as good. We look for ways to aid and abet the process, and try to avoid anything which may kill the seed.

“And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit. But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out. Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof” (Alma 28:37-39).

Are we there yet? How do you know when you’ve fully forgiven, when you’re done? I think you’ve forgiven when the resentment is gone. When you can look back on the once-troubling events without experiencing negative feelings. The pain and the anger of the experience are gone, replaced by understanding and compassion.