We know it’s good to forgive, commanded even. But how exactly does one go about forgiving? There’s no “forgive” button you can push, and then say “there, now I have forgiven,” or a checkbox we can check, to say “now it is done.” It’s easy to say the words, to go through the motions, but true forgiveness is more, and it’s harder than that. So what is it then? I don’t claim to have an answer, but here are some of my thoughts.

Forgiveness is more about ourselves then it is about the other person. In fact, it is completely independent of everyone else. Forgiveness is about getting ourselves out of a state that is harmful to ourselves and indirectly harmful to others. That’s the whole point–that we maintain a healthy state internally for ourselves despite what anyone does externally.

In the 25^th chapter of First Samuel, David is out to take revenge on Nabal, who had refused to pay David what he was owed. Nabal’s wife, Abigail, intercepts David and his men, bows herself to the ground, and says “Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid” (1 Samuel 25:24). She then says “I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid” (1 Samuel 25:28). Why does she ask for forgiveness; she did nothing wrong. She had taken upon herself Nabal’s sin (sound familiar?)–but is David forgiving Abigail then the same as David forgiving Nabal? Does forgiveness work like that? It does if forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the forgivee. David seems to recognize this: “And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me: And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand” (1 Samuel 25:32-33).

David had almost avenged himself with his own hand. Another element of forgiveness is leaving vengeance with the Lord. He has claimed it, and asked us not to: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19). Or as it is written in the New International Version: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19, NIV). Only God has complete understanding surrounding the circumstances of all events, which is necessary to calculate the demands of justice. God too, I believe, is unique in his ability to execute justice without becoming soured and poisoned from the experience. Someone who receives some sick glee in extracting punishment is walking away from compassion, not towards it. Christ is he one I would truly believe were he to say “this hurts me more than it hurts you.”

To forgive a debt is to relieve the indebted of obligation to pay, to willfully forgo that which is rightfully owed you. Forgiveness in a broader sense is to say “If it ever was so that I was owed anything by thee, even if I could through justice expect some recompense or suffering on thine part, I require these things no longer.” Note the if‘s in there… that’s admitting that we don’t know everything and why justice (and vengeance) is better left to the Lord.

Oftentimes when inconvenienced or offended, there is an impulse to express the displeasure experienced, preferably to the person giving offense. Shouldn’t they be made aware of the grief they’re causing us? This usually doesn’t help, however, and only serves to perpetuate negativity. Part of forgiveness is letting go of our instinctive retaliatory reactions, or at least bottling them and keeping them to ourselves rather than passing them on.

President Faust passes along this to help us: “Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization, has provided an excellent definition of forgiveness as it applies to human relationships: ‘Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves’ (With Suzanne Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life (1990), 19 quoted in James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” Ensign, May 2007, 67–69).

So that’s great. We know where we want to be, and we’ve been convinced that we need to be there (D&C 64:9-10). Lessons like “Forgiving Others with All Our Hearts” from Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball do an excellent job of teaching the importance of forgiveness, but seem to speak little of the mechanics. (Maybe it’s just natural and clear for everyone else?)

I wonder if forgiving isn’t like finding faith. At first glance it seems not possible, contradictory even. “Show me, then I will believe” is a common approach; “apologize and make amends, then I may forgive” is in the same line of thought. Yet we believe that both faith and forgiveness are possible.

Alma teaches “Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves — It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me” (Alma 32:28).

Compare forgiveness to a seed. It starts with a desire, and may take time to germinate. As the process begins we recognize it as good. We look for ways to aid and abet the process, and try to avoid anything which may kill the seed.

“And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit. But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out. Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof” (Alma 28:37-39).

Are we there yet? How do you know when you’ve fully forgiven, when you’re done? I think you’ve forgiven when the resentment is gone. When you can look back on the once-troubling events without experiencing negative feelings. The pain and the anger of the experience are gone, replaced by understanding and compassion.

These themes keep reappearing in the scriptures, but I don’t really know what they mean. I’ve finally decided to actually write them down as I find them, in the hopes of gathering enough to actually make sense of the imagery.

Hosea 13:7-9
[7] Therefore I will be unto them as a lion: as a leopard by the way will I observe them: [8] I will meet them as a bear that is bereaved of her whelps, and will rend the caul of their heart, and there will I devour them like a lion: the wild beast shall tear them. [9] O Israel, thou hast destroyed thyself; but in me is thine help.

Micah 4:13
[4] Arise and thresh, O daughter of Zion: for I will make thine horn iron, and I will make thy hoofs brass: and thou shalt beat in pieces many people: and I will consecrate their gain unto the LORD, and their substance unto the Lord of the whole earth.

Micah 5:8
[5] And the remnant of Jacob shall be among the Gentiles in the midst of many people as a lion among the beasts of the forest, as a young lion among the flocks of sheep: who, if he go through, both treadeth down, and teareth in pieces, and none can deliver.

3 Nephi 20:16,19
[16] Then shall ye, who are a remnant of the house of Jacob, go forth among them; and ye shall be in the midst of them who shall be many; and ye shall be among them as a lion among the beasts of the forest, and as a young lion among the flocks of sheep, who, if he goeth through both treadeth down and teareth in pieces, and none can deliver.
[19] For I will make my people with whom the Father hath covenanted, yea, I will make thy horn iron, and I will make thy hoofs brass. And thou shalt beat in pieces many people; and I will consecrate their gain unto the Lord, and their substance unto the Lord of the whole earth. And behold, I am he who doeth it.

I like these scriptures because they invite us to be better with no sense of negativity. There’s nothing wrong with being blessed–it’s a good thing. This does not mean, however, that we should be content with good; there’s often still so much more. The comparison of Blessed and More Blessed shows us that there is often progress yet to me made without belittling our current position and efforts.

13 And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.
14 And now, as I said unto you, that because ye were compelled to be humble ye were blessed, do ye not suppose that they are more blessed who truly humble themselves because of the word?
15 Yea, he that truly humbleth himself, and repenteth of his sins, and endureth to the end, the same shall be blessed–yea, much more blessed than they who are compelled to be humble because of their exceeding poverty.
(Book of Mormon | Alma 32:13 – 15)

1 AND it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words unto Nephi, and to those who had been called, (now the number of them who had been called, and received power and authority to baptize, was twelve) and behold, he stretched forth his hand unto the multitude, and cried unto them, saying: Blessed are ye if ye shall give heed unto the words of these twelve whom I have chosen from among you to minister unto you, and to be your servants; and unto them I have given power that they may baptize you with water; and after that ye are baptized with water, behold, I will baptize you with fire and with the Holy Ghost; therefore blessed are ye if ye shall believe in me and be baptized, after that ye have seen me and know that I am.
2 And again, more blessed are they who shall believe in your words because that ye shall testify that ye have seen me, and that ye know that I am. …
(Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 12:1 – 2)

1 AND it came to pass when Jesus had said these words, he spake unto his disciples, one by one, saying unto them: What is it that ye desire of me, after that I am gone to the Father?
2 And they all spake, save it were three, saying: We desire that after we have lived unto the age of man, that our ministry, wherein thou hast called us, may have an end, that we may speedily come unto thee in thy kingdom.
3 And he said unto them: Blessed are ye because ye desired this thing of me; therefore, after that ye are seventy and two years old ye shall come unto me in my kingdom; and with me ye shall find rest.
4 And when he had spoken unto them, he turned himself unto the three, and said unto them: What will ye that I should do unto you, when I am gone unto the Father?
5 And they sorrowed in their hearts, for they durst not speak unto him the thing which they desired.
6 And he said unto them: Behold, I know your thoughts, and ye have desired the thing which John, my beloved, who was with me in my ministry, before that I was lifted up by the Jews, desired of me.
7 Therefore, more blessed are ye, for ye shall never taste of death; but ye shall live to behold all the doings of the Father unto the children of men, even until all things shall be fulfilled according to the will of the Father, when I shall come in my glory with the powers of heaven.
(Book of Mormon | 3 Nephi 28:1 – 7)

4 And blessed are you because you have believed;
5 And more blessed are you because you are called of me to preach my gospel–
6 To lift up your voice as with the sound of a trump, both long and loud, and cry repentance unto a crooked and perverse generation, preparing the way of the Lord for his second coming.
(Doctrine and Covenants | Section 34:4 – 6)

Update: in the October 2007 General Conference Elder Oaks gave a talk “Good, Better, Best” on this very subject. He says in part:

We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives….

Consider how we use our time in the choices we make in viewing television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, or reading books or magazines. Of course it is good to view wholesome entertainment or to obtain interesting information. But not everything of that sort is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it. Some things are better, and others are best.

Some things in the Gospel seem to work backwards. There are cases where you can have a goal, and working towards it directly is not as effective as ignoring it. To get where you want to go, sometimes you’re better off going somewhere else.

By placing the Lord first, and seeking His will, we usually end up with our own wants fulfilled. By seeking first to fulfill our own wants we may obtain our desire in name only, but our victory is often with cost, and lacks essentials we didn’t think to include.

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
(New Testament | Matthew 6:31 – 33)

But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them….
(Book of Mormon | Jacob 2:18 – 19)

In Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee. And Solomon said… thy servant is in the midst of thy people which thou hast chosen, a great people, that cannot be numbered nor counted for multitude. Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people? And the speech pleased the Lord, that Solomon had asked this thing. And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment; Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee. And I have also given thee that which thou hast not asked, both riches, and honour: so that there shall not be any among the kings like unto thee all thy days.
(Old Testament | 1 Kings 3:5 – 13)

And he came to Capernaum: and being in the house he asked them, What was it that ye disputed among yourselves by the way? But they held their peace: for by the way they had disputed among themselves, who should be the greatest. And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.
(New Testament | Mark 9:33 – 35)

While I was on a mission Elder Nelson came and visited us; one of the things he spoke on was studying the scriptures by topic. He even said at the next General Conference, speaking on how we can achieve scriptural guidance:

One way is to read a book of scripture from the first page to the last. This method gives good overall perspective. But other approaches also have merit. Attention to a particular topic or a specific theme, supplemented by use of cross-referencing footnotes and study guides, can help to switch on the light of doctrinal understanding.¹

I started keeping something of a study journal, collecting references on a topic. I learned tons, and use it. I may be outgrowing this style, however. The content, once created, is a little inflexible, and there are now too many topics to easily keep track of. So I thought I’d give the online medium a try.. copy-paste works so much better on the computer than with pen and paper. Like just about everything else here, this is primarily for me, but if anyone else gets anything out of it, so much the better. These are meant to be perpetual works-in-progress, continuing to evolve with time and experience.